Happy Birthday MOM!!!!
So, I've wiped out all my old posts and have decided to start this all over again, but before I move forward with 2012 I want to talk about 2011 first. I feel that in order for my followers to understand my hurt, my pain, my loss, my love, and me then 2011 needs to be explained... so here I go!
2011 was the hardest year of my life! And if you know me then you know thats saying a lot. I've not always had it easy. Let me say this now though! I DO NOT want sympathy! I just want to tell my story.
One year ago today my mother had her 47th birthday. Little did I know then that that day would be the last time we would celebrate her birthday! And the last time we would all be together as a family. The day after her birthday my mom and brother went shopping. Mom seperated from Kyle... he went to one store she went to another.... when he came to find her she was acting strange... my mom was caught shop lifting for the 4th time. She ran from security and my 16 year old brother had to run after her and stop her and make her go back! She went to jail!
After receiving a letter from her, I knew something was off with her. I called the jail 3 times and put her on suicide watch. On Feb, 11th 2011 my mom jumped off the balcony at the jail and tried to kill herself... She was sent to pheobe hospital and was released from the jail. Even now Im not sure of all the injuries she sustained! I know she had broke feet and heels, a cracked pelvis... not sure what else. Her mind wasnt right... she wasnt making sense... I think she felt like she was a failure and just wanted everything to be over with. I forgot to mention that my mom was not only an alcoholic but also a pill abuser. So with the injuries she had she was allowed very little pain medication due to her addictions.
I went every other day to Pheobe to see her . Took her clothes and bathroom necessities and so forth. Talked with the nurses and doctors... I tried to encourage her to get better and to make sure that she knew she was loved and we would get through this although it wasnt going to be easy! My mom had put me, my brother, and my step dad through so much that we all wanted to just move forward and put forth tough love this time.. When insurance wouldn't cover any longer I received a phone call saying we had to come get her. This is when I had to make a decision... Where would she go? She couldnt come home with me. I didnt want to put my kids through that. I didnt want them to see her in the state she was in. And my step dad and brother had had enough too (let me say this, my step dad is a fine man! We have had our differences but he has been my dad since I was 8! he was the one who taught me to ride a bike! And he has been the one there for me every time my mom did yet another stupid thing. I think the world of him and my brother too... and do not blame anyone. We had all had enough)Within 2 hrs. of getting the call to come get her from the hospital I had her suitcase packed and we were off on my first road trip (more than 2 hrs... without my husband or anyone else that could drive) My mom was in a wheel chair and in a horrible state of mind. She would repeat the same lines over and over again. “Where is Kyle?” “Is it going to be ok?” and “Im sorry” The 9 hrs. it took to get to my grandparents she held my hand for at least 5 of them, using her thumb on top to rub back and forth the way she always did when she tried to comfort me..... on the ride there I talked constantly to her.. Made her promise she wouldnt ever do anything to harm herself ever again. Told her I loved her at least 50 times that trip.
We made it to mississippi around 2 am. My grandparents were waiting up. We talked for a little bit and they decided they were going to take her to a hospital in Jackson in the morning to look into her injuries more. We went to bed. The next morning I got up packed mom a seperate bag for the hospital, bathed her, dressed her, and said my goodbyes and drove back to Ga.
I now wish I would have stayed longer with her there! I wish I would have called more, wrote more, said more....
She stayed many weeks at the hospital in Jackson, where they gave her a back brace and tried to get her meds. Worked out. Then she went to Mississippi state hospital for the addiction recovery program. She was there for many weeks. When she was released from there she went back “home” to live with her parents. She started working at my grandparents resturant. She seemed to be doing better. They had her seeing a counselor once a week. We talked but she never did have to much to say except for how sorry she was and how ashamed she was. She would ask about the girls and kyle.... and I constantly told her we missed her and loved her! And would see her soon hopefully.
AUGUST 25th 2011-
this was a normal day for me... tend to the kids... wait for the husband to get home.... right after supper I got a phone call from my aunt that changed everything..
She tells me that my mom had shot herself...
within 10 min. Me and my husband were in the van heading to find my step dad and brother to tell them. I had to be the one to do this. The next morning me, leslee, step dad and brother headed towards mississippi. The longest ride of my life. My mom was buried on August 28th 2011. 47 years old. 2 kids. 2 sisters. 2 brothers.
At the visitation, they allowed the family to see her! I lost it! To this day I can't get that image out of my head. She was fixed up nice. I had picked her out a summer dress- orange and white- She would have loved it. But when I left her in mississippi with her parents she was a size 0 in august she was a size 6!
Words can't explain my mind frame those couple of days in Mississippi and words can't say how much I miss her!
My mom has been gone from this earth for 6 months now. It still feels like only yesturday. I can still picture her in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Still hear her ask “are we happy?” and can still see “are you smiling? I am” on every note she wrote me. When my mom was “good” she was soo good.
Since she has been gone life has been a little less lifelike. However, the positive side is that I have gotten much closer to my brother and my step dad! We see them quite often! And have really enjoyed having them around more. My husband has been very supportive and soo glad he has been there through all of this. My girls are what gets me through! Seeing them smile makes the world a better place.. I have been very blessed with a wonderful family. My Grammy has also been a very special person to me through this! She always knows just what to say! And how to encourage me. These people mean the world to me.
Every day I feel the need to relive it. To make it feel real. I blame myself for so many things and have so many “wish I would have's” and “what if's” but those wont help me now. Knowing that my mom was a christian woman and is now in heaven with jesus is what is getting me through. Knowing Ill see her again and she will be healed inside and out. Can't wait for that day!
Happy Birthday Mom!
I know your in a better place but we sure miss you here! I only have one question for you now.
“Are you smiling? I am”
The rest of my posts wont be like this! They will be about every day life with my girls and husband. I just felt the need to share this... Im sure there will be days that Ill still talk about my mom. But I will not dwell on the bad! There are too many joys in my life to do that! Stay tuned for more soon!
